Thursday, January 23, 2014


How do they always know?

A kind and precious patient comes into the hospital.  He is crying with me on his admission terrified something bad is going to happen.  He is not crying that annoying, "Whoa is me, I am so miserable in my life right now" type of crying that I am trying not to be numb too.  It is the sincere fearful crying that makes you take a step back and rethink.  He reassures me that he trusts all the staff but he is just so scared something bad is going to happen.  Why is he reassuring me?  He is so sweet.

He was diagnosed with several bad things but we are treating them.  He is feeling better.  This is the first time he didn't cry, he is so happy and optimistic.

He walked around with physical therapy, he is doing so well.

He coded and died. 

Damn it.  

How did he know?  I should have prayed with him.  Don't get me wrong, I silently prayed for him to have peace as I walked out of the room each time I met with him and he cried.  I should have prayed with him. 

Damn it.  DAMN IT.

I left the house upset today because I think all of my kids are getting a cold.  The baby, SH3 (small human 3), coughed a few times last night and that is my anxiety sleeplessness trigger.  I am awake for hours waiting for SH2 to start coughing. 

I want to leave work and go home and wrap them all up in my arms, smell their hair, wipe their boogery noses and thank God that today I have no such premonitions.
Instead I will pray right now where I sit for my kids, his loved ones, and my family.  I will finish my work.  I will thank God it is just premonition-free boogery noses.

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